Added: Vondell Flickinger - Date: 03.11.2021 02:12 - Views: 46853 - Clicks: 580
How to cope with my wife who's "fallen out of love" with me? That said, we always had fun and shared love. In particular, I always stuck in there during arguments in order to try to get her and us to a point of honest communication. Late last year, my wife started therapy to deal with these communication issues. Initially, this went very well, and she was more open to talking, unprompted, about her feelings, thoughts, etc.
After the initial burst of talking subsided, she still reported she was benefiting from therapy. At her request, I started therapy to deal with my depression. I also responded to her request that I be kinder in my speech to her, irrespective of my mood. In particular, she focused on carving out more space to find herself and her identity in our marriage we have no children. I've accommodated all of her requests and have tried to be a better, kinder person in our dealings because I do love her very much.
Over the last three to four months, however, I've felt her distancing herself. The kindness and warmth that characterized her speech and behavior towards me have been replaced with polite neutrality. Our physical contact is minimal. She has become very self-centered in her outlook and behavior where ly we always consulted with each other and took each other's feelings and preferences into consideration.
She feels constrained by our marriage. She feels our approaches to life are too different. This is all bad enough, but she deals almost entirely in vaguenesses. The change from even last month to now is shocking. Yesterday, she raised the idea of her being alone "for one or two weeks" to have time to think something that isn't really practicable given our situation. Does anyone have any experience with, or thoughts about, this type of situation? Is she just giving voice to 27 years of suppressed feeling? Can someone who says these sorts of things still be able to rebuild a marriage on a new foundation of openness?
Has my eagerness to commit to her, to make concessions and to accommodate her devalued me in her eyes? I know some of these are impossible for readers to answer, but I pose them to reveal my thinking. I just can't understand how someone could turn degrees on a marriage so quickly.
I can also be contacted at savingmymarriage gmail. Thank you. Sorry to hear of your troubles, and those of your wife, but you can't make someone love you in any kind of real way. You can hold open the door to hope for your marriage, and you may find, as some do, that 27 years and a good friendship is enough to stay married. But, if it's not, it's not. Do your own work. Go to the therapist, with sincerity. Try to keep your marriage intact if that is what you yourself want, as long as you can try with dignity for yourself, and respect for your wife's feelings and needs, even if they are not in that direction.
But through it all, keep a go bag packed, and money in your pocket. So she has had I think you need to have more empathy for her, listen more than you talk and recognize that "her" communication problem is most likely a mutual problem - just not that she is communicating in the way you want her to. I'd recommend giving her space, and dating her; give her a reason to choose you. Also, I do not know if this applies but I had a partner that loved to talk at me and wear me down until I agreed with their assessment of our problems - not a win-win solution but one where I was ALWAYS wrong.
I sense a bit of that in your post. I hope I am wrong. These bits I also responded to her request that I be kinder in my speech to her, irrespective of my mood. What sort of situation makes her being alone for a week or two impractical? That seems a bit odd. If finances are a problem, friends have sofas available for that sort of thing. Once one starts to deal with bottled-up resentment change can happen pretty quickly; from what you've presented here I don't think you need to go searching for hidden causes.
How extensive is your anger problem? I'm reading that and She has become very self-centered in her outlook and behavior and Is she genuinely "self-centered" now, or is she just no longer tiptoeing around to avoid making you angry? I suggest being a perfect gentleman even as she's walking out on you, if that's what it does come to; if you can keep the anger down for real, you can likely at least come out of this as friends. It's possible it makes her irate that you couldn't have done all that years ago.
All you can do now is keep doing it. Forgive me if I am reading "make concessions" wrong, but there doesn't seem to be a lot of genuine apology on your part, any admission of fault. Which, if true, probably means that you don't quite 'get it,' yet, and are probably largely unchanged, and that much is probably obvious to her, hence the determination to move on. Your wife is changing. She is re-evaluating her life and her sense of self. Her body is changing. This is not a blip. She is not acting 'out of character'. She is being real. After 27 years of thinking as two, she is starting to want to think for one, and is finding her way through that.
Does all the above mean your marriage is over? Not necessarily. She wants a break for one or two weeks. You write that it "isn't really practicable given our situation". Au contraire, given your situation with your wife, the break may be the only practicable thing that allows her time to evaluate all the good things you have together. This is not a healthy perspective to entertain. It suggests that your marriage had an original power imbalance in your favor that is now being rectified by your wife. Yeah, speaking from experience, there's not much you can do except to keep on trying, and also to understand that your wife is undergoing some changes and will be making a decision on her own here.
Just do the best you can, and listen. And ultimately accept her choice. I hate to give a cliche AskMe answer, but as you are both in individual therapy, why not add some couples therapy into the mix as well? If nothing else, it will show your sincerity in wanting to remake your relationship into something that accommodates her needs better. With all due respect, you don't get to say whether or not her having two weeks alone is "practicable".
Frankly, that's a strange position to take, given that you seem to want to do whatever is necessary to save your marriage. If I were you, and she was the woman I really wanted, I would put my fear that she will leave me if left alone with her own thoughts for two weeks aside and abide by her wishes.
She feels suffocated and bullied. Telling her that what she needs is not "practicable" is sealing your own fate because, frankly, it's what she's likely been hearing from you for many, many years. She's tired of that. Stop thinking of this as her delusion, her problem, her "hypnotic" state, her kooky notion that she's a person separate and apart from you with needs that aren't being met. Agree to her terms, accept how she's telling you she feels, and give her some space. In the meanwhile, make an appointment with your own therapist.
You need a support system now and for some time to come. Best of luck. I'm sorry. I think there might be another guy in the picture. Maybe even just a potential guy who is more her ideal type. One thing you might try is helping her remember the things she did enjoy about your marriage in the past and making those things real again, every day. In theory, 27 years of marriage should provide a rich fund of memories to build on and renew. Maybe there's even enough to pull her back if she's in the thick of some infatuation, which is a common impetus for going into a hyper-self-justifying, spouse-leaving mode.
But whatever's in her mind now, you're probably going to have to sympathize and see this gradual withdrawal and possible view toward another life as an understandable response to the way things have been lately. Those 2 weeks will make her think life is a bowl of cherries. After that she will be more certain she wants to separate. That is only enough time to celebrate being on her own. It is not enough time to feel the loneliness that may come. Regardless you really have no choice but to try it.
You can't make her love you. After all those years she wants you to dazzle and win her all over again. For me it was 32 years. She left, took the best of our lives with her leaving the old behind and starting new. I could not compete with her new dream quest.
I am not 25 again, nor do I want to be. I worked all my life trying to make her dreams come true and frankly I was worn out. Of course your particulars could me completely different so it isn't fair for me to say or predict. I just merge your similar statements with me real experience. Three years after we split she confessed it wasn't my "bad" behavior after all.Wife is distancing herself
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6 s Your Wife Is Totally Fed Up With You